Get Stuffed! Letting Go For A Simpler Life

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Stuff!

Why do we have so much trouble disentangling from our possessions?

I have just moved house and have come up against two concerning things;

1. How much stuff I have!

2. How hard it is to part with possessions

While I know I’m not alone, it baffles me why we feel we need so much. Why do we battle so hard internally to let things go?

I know the battle is psychological and fuelled by emotions more than rational thought, but why do we associate so strongly with the things that surround us? Why do we imbue so much meaning into inanimate objects?

It seems absurd that I can’t part with some knick knack (a.k.a. ‘dust collector’) or a pair of shoes I hardly ever wear, but for some reason I find it hard. These objects and the feelings around them have a hold on me.

It doesn’t help that many things I am gripping onto are things from my Dad and Nan who have both passed away, but I also know that my memories of them are truly not dependent on these physical reminders.

My Dad and I often went to the speedway to see the sprint cars. One birthday he bought me a bag and a t-shirt which he had signed by my favourite driver. I will never forget this birthday yet I struggle to give away the bag I never use, or to throw out the signed t-shirt despite it being manky and old.

I know I don’t need the shirt to remind me of that great night, yet it seems that by getting rid of it, I am somehow also throwing out that special memory or devaluing it in some way. I know that my memories and love for those around me are not tied up in objects, yet it is hard to let go without feeling some guilt or anxiety.

It has got me wondering…

“Do we grip so tightly to our possessions because we don’t trust ourselves to remember?”

or

“Do we think that by giving things away we are also giving a little of ourselves away too?”

I would love to hear your thoughts on this as I am really intrigued by our associations with objects and possessions. I look forward to your responses. Until then, I’m off to keep unpacking and sorting through more ‘stuff.’ :-)

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Jess xxx

Why Positive Thinking Could Be Making You Unhappy

 

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Are you unsure about your future? Maybe you are disappointed and frustrated that your life is not where you imagined or expected it would be? Maybe you feel trapped?

When we feel stressed, disillusioned, unsure or powerless, we struggle to feel the joy and contentment that we so desperately want and need. We struggle to feel happy. But is ‘thinking more positively’ the answer? 

Many self-development coaches would say yes, that happiness relies on positive thinking, but I disagree. Positive thinking is vital to happiness, but at the wrong time in your journey, forcing yourself to ‘think positively’ can be only momentarily helpful, and at times detrimental. 

Why?

If you haven’t been able to acknowledge and accept what is happening in your life, or what has happened in the past, positive thinking acts more like a band-aid over a gapping injury. Just like a band-aid, after a little while it gets mangy, dirty and drops off. So does your motivation around positive thinking when you are in the midst of pain and loss.

So if positive thinking is not the sole path to happiness, what is?

The Four Steps to Happiness

1. Acknowledge

2. Accept

3. Release

4. Discover and Rebuild

Over the coming weeks we will explore each of these steps, but this week we will start by looking at how we can begin to acknowledge what is happening in our lives…what is really happening.

1. Acknowledge

“What we don’t acknowledge keeps us trapped, confined and small.”

What we don’t acknowledge we are actively denying. Not a great place to be. Denial is a big energy sucker as we invest time and energy into resisting what is happening in our lives. Unfortunately what we resist only becomes stronger, keeping us stuck, frustrated and unhappy.  

So why do we sometimes deny what is happening in our lives?

Sometimes we just don’t realise what is happening at that deeper level, and sometimes our present reality (which also encompasses our past) is just too painful. The reason we feel so much pain is because we are experiencing loss. Loss of a whole gamut of things: health, self-confidence, youth, loved ones, innocence, certainty, financial security, relationships, employment…the list is endless.

“Trying to put a positive spin on distressing circumstances before we are ready is a backwards step. Putting on a ‘happy face’ cause us inner distress and it is exhausting! Being real with yourself is the only way forward.”

What does it mean to ‘be real with yourself?’ Being real is about acknowledging what is actually happening in your life, both on the surface and at a deeper level.

For example, you might tell yourself you are too busy to slow down and take time out for yourself. However, when you delve a little deeper you discover what is actually happening…you are to afraid to slow down in case it brings up uncomfortable memories or thoughts. You fear looking ‘lazy.’ You fear saying no, and looking ‘selfish’ or being seen to be a ‘bad’ mother, father, friend, colleague.  

“The first step towards happiness is acknowledging what is at the heart of your struggles.”

Start Today:

“Once we know better we can do better.”

Ask yourself;

• What am I most stressed or unhappy about in my life at the moment?
• What am I saying to myself about this situation?
• Why is this issue or situation causing me so much unhappiness and stress?
• What is at the heart of this issue? What is actually causing me the unhappiness or stress?

Once you have acknowledged what is actually happening in your life, you can move to the next stage. Stay posted for my article next week, where I will explain why acceptance is the most powerful step in the happiness journey.

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xxx Jess xxx

The Biggest Lie We Tell Ourselves When We Feel Scared

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How many times have you pulled back from doing something because you felt scared? How often have you told yourself that you will feel more comfortable, safe or secure sitting on the sidelines? Surely it’s better than the horrible uncomfortable feeling that floods your body, or the anxiety that rises when you start to feel scared?

Or is it?

The biggest lie we tell ourselves when we feel scared is that by sitting on the sidelines we are safe. But what does ‘being safe’ actually mean?

We seek safety and security in response to a threat...a real threat. I have worked with refugees and know with certainty that there are times in people’s lives when fear is a result of very real threats, such as an imminent threat of death or violence.

However, we often misinterpret threat with the feeling we experience when life bumps up against our lack of self-belief.

Very rarely are our ‘every day’ fears related to real threats. How many times have you feared something that never happened?

The confusing part is that we experience fear as if it was a serious threat. What our experience is, however, is our response to being confronted by our own sense of limitations. “Am I smart enough to do this, or will I look stupid and be embarrassed?” “Can I cope? Am I strong enough, or will I fall into a big heap and not know how to get back up again?”

How we answer these questions shapes our lives entirely.

In life we are either expanding or contracting. We expand when we challenge our self-limiting beliefs and begin to step out and try new things. We expand our sense of self by challenging what we believe is possible. We expand when we accept that we will feel uncomfortable and that we will fail, knowing that this process is vital if we want to live our lives with meaning and depth.

We contract, however, when we continually choose to sit on the sidelines, believing that feeling scared is a sign to step back, believing that we are safer when we feel comfortable. The truth is we aren’t safer.

We aren’t physically safer, considering the most dangerous thing we do each day, driving a car, we do with little concern or anxiety. Our fears around physical safety are often overinflated. Our fears around emotional safety are also overemphasised.

While it’s never pleasant to be embarrassed or to get something wrong, it’s not a ‘life or death’ situation. In fact those unpleasant feelings can be a springboard into growth and expansion if we are willing to learn from them.

The more we expose ourselves to things that scare us the more confident we become. We begin to discover that we cope remarkably well and that our fears are often unfounded.

Letting fear define your life doesn’t make you safe it just makes you feel safe. The trade off is a life half-lived. 

Your challenge this week:

What is one thing you would love to achieve this year if weren’t so scared? What is stopping you? Are they real reasons? What is one step you could take to start moving forward?

To get you started I will share with you my answer;

I would like to publish a book this year. What is stopping me is the fear that I won’t have the energy to do it and it won’t be successful. I know these fears are real possibilities but they aren’t real reasons why I shouldn’t get started.

My first action is to start looking into publishing options. I will also start talking with people who have successfully published a book and will start writing a book outline. These are fairly simple and easy steps and I am already excited about taking action on something I have wanted to do for years.

So how about you? Leave your answer in the comment section below...I look forward to reading them. 

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xxx Jess xxx

50 Shades of Grey

At the ripe old age of 28 I think I am getting old prematurely…  

   Photo Credit: Artiom Gorgan via Flickr cc

I’m officially part of the 50 Shades of Grey Club (no not the other one!). Doing my hair in the mirror just before Christmas last year, I had the shock most women dread…I discovered my first grey hair…well hairs, plural, actually.

Actually they weren’t even grey, they were white.

Maybe you did what I did when you had your ‘grey moment.’ I thought, “Ah it must just be a really blonde hair” or “Maybe it was just a random one that doesn’t mean anything” or even better, “Maybe it’s just the light.”

For women in particular, issues tied up with beauty and body image are always a bit tricky. I’m not a woman who focuses too much on my appearance, yet there is something about finding your first grey hair that screams “you are getting old,” “you aren’t as young as you used to be.” It’s not the nicest of feelings.

It’s not just women who face these issues though, men do too. But does it really matter? Does it really change your ability to live a happy and fulfilled life? Whether it is grey hair, hair loss, cellulite, stretch marks or another birthday, does it really change anything?

It can if you let it.

“You see, what we choose to say to ourselves, is the most important conversation we will have in the day, and in fact our lives.”

Don’t be fooled…we all talk to ourselves. It is that little voice providing commentary on everything that is happening to you and around you.

Often this little voice focuses on the negatives and the worst case scenarios. Be aware and take note of this inner conversation. If you want to encourage a more upbeat conversation with yourself, don’t always listen to this voice.

Challenge your inner dialogue until what you are saying to yourself is supportive. Challenge your inner voice by asking ‘”Is this really true?” and “Is there another, more positive way, I could view this issue/situation?”  

In the moment I had a small flip out about finding grey hair I knew I had a choice to make: fixate on it and get depressed thinking that my body is changing before I want it to, or shrug my shoulders and have a laugh about it.

Having already gone down the illness path with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at 23, I have long since accepted that our bodies can change at any time, and in ways we might not always like.

So, I chose to have a laugh and see the funny side. I sent my boyfriend a text having a giggle that a ‘white Christmas’ had come early for me. What is the shame after all?

What is your ‘grey moment’ story? What does it mean to you to age with pleasure, not fear?

2014: Same Same or Different?

Do you want to make this year count like no other? Are you sick of seeing your dreams confined to paper, or maybe they are still camping out in your mind?

Are you afraid or daunted by what might need to happen to get your life to a point where you can happily say, “Yep, this is it. I’m where I want to be and I love my life”?

Don’t wait till you are ‘ready,’ or all your ducks are lined up. Start now.

Fuelled or Flat? Don’t Let Fear Leave You in Neutral

Do you remember the exhilarating feeling of adrenalin moving through your body after deciding to do something exciting yet scary? Or has this become an unfamiliar feeling to you? Maybe, like me, it’s been too long since you’ve felt that surge of energy.

Stepping out of your comfort zone, while also stepping into a life which truly inspires and excites you, is a sure way to stop feeling flat.    

Most of you know that for the past five years I’ve been living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This illness has led me down a path that is far more hopeful, compassionate, enjoyable and balanced, yet my ability to set goals and to dream is not like it used to be.

A common by-product of living with illness is low self-esteem. A compromised self-esteem, coupled with low energy, has meant I’ve struggled to know if I’m capable of pulling things off like I used to.  

This was never a problem for me in the past. 

Challenging the Boundaries

Growing up I was into everything. I tried every new venture that sparked my interest. I loved the excitement of pushing myself beyond the things I knew. I took up public speaking, joined the Army Cadets, learnt an instrument, auditioned for school musicals.

I loved exploring those areas which were on the other side of what I knew I could do. The possibility of failure kept me on my toes and keenly engaged in life. I discovered that my capacity to achieve was great, so long as I didn’t let fear hold me back.   

Moving into 2014 I knew I had a strong desire to achieve more than I had been, but I also felt like something was missing.

Tunnel Vision

It was a conversation with my mum about a man who built a tunnel through a mountain in New Zealand that made me realise I was missing the ‘old me.’ I was missing the ‘me’ that would respond to life with more courage, self-belief and vision.

Over the past week I’ve asked myself what I want to achieve this year, and for the first time in years I haven’t discounted the dreams that seemed ‘too big.’

Dreaming big this year isn’t about throwing myself into huge projects that would leave me exhausted and sick. If illness has taught me nothing else, it’s taught me to respect my body, protect my health and live a balanced life.

 

 

For me, ‘dreaming big’ is about letting my mind wander into those enchanted forests of creative ideas and consciously deciding not to let fear be the reason I say no and turn back.

 

 

 

  

 

 

I’m still finessing the shape these creative ideas are going to take this year. I look forward to sharing them with you once they are finalised.

What would you like to achieve this year if you ignored your fear or self-doubt?  

I have friends doing some wonderful things this year - it seems I’m not alone in feeling a need to expand my thinking. I look forward to hearing how 2014 can be the year that stands out for you.

Stay on track, motivated and inspired. Make 2014 the year you live your best life. Click here to receive my fortnightly update or ‘follow by email’ above.  

xxx Jess xxx

Responding With Compassion

Yesterday, The Guardian, posted an article written (under a pseudonym) by a nurse who worked with asylum seekers on Christmas Island. Her article, “My experience as a nurse on Christmas Island changed the core of my being” was well written and shared the stories of asylum seekers she met while working there.

I saw this article posted on Facebook last night and felt it was a wonderful follow up from my blog post on Wednesday about my experiences with refugees. Everything she wrote resonated with my own experiences with refugees and the stories I too have heard. Stories of unthinkable suffering and violence…stories nightmares are made of.

However, like me, she was also struck by the presence of hope and the courageous display of resilience in those seeking safety on our shores. In her article she wrote;

“Surprisingly, my days spent in the induction shed were always the most desirable, because although you'd hear extremely sad stories, you would also be reminded of the strength of the human spirit to overcome tragedy and fight to survive. I often found myself in awe of the sheer tenacity on display. My "clients" were always so grateful to have made the boat journey, grateful to have a hot meal, shelter or water, and grateful to finally be safe from harm.”

It seems people are talking about refugees and asylum seekers at the moment, and it is great to see articles like this one. Sharing the stories of those seeking asylum will allow us to understand the human element of this global issue. Hopefully then we can begin to respond with more compassion and no longer out of ignorance or an uneducated fear.

Jessica Stead xxxx

Photo sourced from The Guardian (ABC/AP)

Are You A Worry Wart?

I am posting this quote today because I needed reminding myself. I find that my modus operandi is often to assume the worst. I often completely forget to consider the best case scenario.

It’s not because I am a negative person, I just feel that in order to be responsible and accountable I need to try to make good decisions. I feel that part of that process is seeing what decisions may lead to negative consequences. So, by default I focus on the negatives. 

This is fine to do…up to a point. It’s necessary to think through your decisions, but it’s important for your health and happiness to make sure your analysis of a decision is balanced.

Spend time thinking about the worst case scenario and how you might manage if something negative happened, but then switch your brain over to thinking about the best case scenario.

When you fail to consider the best case scenario you miss out on imagining future happiness and fulfilment. Your negative fixation can stop you from making certain decisions which could be of great benefit to you.

Think carefully about decisions yes, but don't allow your brain to only focus on the negatives. In any situation there is always so much to be gained…don’t let fear hold you back.

Jessica Stead xxx

Hope and Resilience: The True Stories of Refugees

For those who read my work and know me, you would know that the topic of hope both fascinates and inspires me. Hope was not a word or idea I had ever thought much about until 2003 when I began visiting refugees in Villawood Immigration Detention Centre.

I was just out of high school, 18 at the time. My desire to visit the detention centre was sparked by what was known as the ‘children overboard’ situation and the riots at Woomera Immigration Detention Centre. Coming home from school I would watch the nightly news and hear that people were sewing their mouths shut in protest of the treatment they were receiving in Australia, namely the uncertainty of their lives and safety.

The media and politicians at the time were framing this issue as just something ‘these people’ did. Even at 18 I felt that this was absurd. I became determined to understand the real story behind the refugees being detained in Australia.

This determination led to a three year journey as I visited a group of Iranian refugees in Villawood Immigration Detention Centre each week. It was during the conversations I had there that I began to understand the complexities of why people are forced to flee their homelands. I also came to see first-hand the distress people experience when their futures are uncertain and they are dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder.

This week Four Corners aired their story Trading Misery which documented the great suffering of families living in Lebanon, and those who lost their families when the boat they were travelling to Australia in sank.

To witness the situation they are fleeing from, and to see the raw grief those left behind are living with, it reminded me of how great the adversity and anguish is for so many people living around the world. It reminded me again of how very lucky I am to have been born in a safe country.

In honour of those who live in intolerable circumstances and situations, who with great courage and sacrifice, seek hope, safety and freedom, today I wanted to share a part of my personal journey with refugees. I would like to re-print a section of my honours thesis, a thesis which explored the role hope plays in the lives of refugees. This was the prologue of my thesis;

 

PROLOGUE

 

When you sit side by side with someone who is unsure of their fate, you are changed. When there is a very real possibility that their fate could include death, imprisonment or torture, you are left with a deep imprint which fills with despair, sadness and shock.  

 

Your view of the world changes as your eyes are opened to the way that others live. You come to see that the role of governments in people’s lives, both abroad and within this place you call ‘home,’ can determine life from death. You can’t help but ask questions of God, you can’t help but ask questions of yourself.

 

In 2003 I began visiting a group of Iranian refugees in Villawood Immigration Detention Centre and did so for three years until they had all been deemed genuine refugees and released. This period of my life I remember vividly with mixed emotions.

 

This time in my life was punctuated by deep sorrow and pain, as I witnessed the effects of a policy that was designed to ‘send a message’ not support some of the most vulnerable people in the world. It was also a time when I was confronted and challenged by the power of hope and the resilience of the human spirit.

 

Once I had met refugees in person and heard their stories of courage and survival I could not bear to hear them being described as ‘queue jumpers’, ‘illegal immigrants’ or ‘possible terrorists.’ To me they were hope seekers.     

 

The refugees I visited had an infectious hope, a strong belief that tomorrow would bring some good news. They held onto the idea that their pain and suffering would not be forever. For some this pain and suffering lasted much longer than it should have. A few refugees were detained for up to six and a half years, but amazingly their hope remained.

 

While in detention I saw refugees work extremely hard to learn English and Australian colloquialisms, understand the Australian legal system and make Australian friends. These were people who were as actively involved in their lives as they possibly could be.

 

Their passion for life and their motivation did not cease once released. Once they were granted refugee status, they didn’t delay finding employment and getting off initial Centrelink support, starting businesses, getting their driver’s license, buying cars, securing accommodation, getting married and starting families.

 

Before circumstances forced these people to flee their homelands, and take on the label of ‘refugee’ or ‘asylum seeker,’ they were people with histories, stories and achievements of their own. The reality is that anyone can become a refugee if circumstances in their country change. This reality should shape our response to refugees, allowing humility and compassion to dictate rather than fear and racism.  

 

Very little has been written which celebrates the courageous and hopeful spirits of refugees and all they have achieved and survived. My objective for this thesis, therefore, is to create something beautiful that not only acknowledges the hope that refugees hold onto as their life line, but to celebrate and encourage this in all of us.
 

 Photo sourced from Four Corners

Jessica Stead xxx



Embracing Uncertainty

How do you feel about uncertainty? Do you do everything imaginable to try to control what happens in your life? It’s not unusual to desire control after you experience unhappy or traumatic events in life. Desiring control can be an unconscious attempt to ensure that you don’t have to deal with any more negative ‘surprises’ in life. Control is often an attempt at self-protection. Sound familiar?

I knew this feeling well after losing my health through Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at age 23, and when my Dad passed away suddenly one night at the age of 61. The old saying of having the rug pulled out from under you is definitely how I felt. Despite knowing that I couldn’t control what happened in my life - as these two circumstances had clearly shown me - I still tried nevertheless.

Trying to control the uncontrollable, however, is exhausting. By looking out for ‘attacks’ or ‘risks’ that might undermine my current situation, I end up anxious and unhappy. In Deepak Chopra’s book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” in the sixth law, “The Law of Detachment,” he explains that when we seek certainty in life, we are actually reacting to our feelings of insecurity and fear.

Chopra proposes that instead of seeking the ‘elusive’ sense of certainty in life, we should embrace the inherent wisdom of uncertainty.

The Wisdom of Uncertainty

Within uncertainty is the possibility of change. While change can be scary, it can also open up opportunities for new and exciting developments in your life. Change can also provide the opportunity to free yourself from your past, breaking cycles that no longer serve you.

When you resist change and stick with what you know you cease to grow as a person. Chopra writes;

The search for security and certainty is actually an attachment to the known. And what’s the known? The known is the past. The known is nothing other than the prison of past conditioning. There’s no evolution in that – absolutely none at all. And when there is no evolution, there is stagnation, entropy, disorder and decay.

Releasing your need for certainty, and unbinding yourself from your attached ideas about life, your journey will become more exciting, less stressful and more successful.

It’s worth remembering that there are always multiple ways to reach your goals and dreams. By attaching your happiness to one version of how your life should unfold, you limit yourself. ‘...If you have a very clear idea of what’s going to happen and you get rigidly attached to it, then you shut out a whole range of possibilities,” says Chopra.

“With uncertainty factored in, you might change direction in any moment if you find a higher ideal, or if you find something more exciting. You are also less likely to force solutions on problems, which enables you to stay alert to opportunities,” continues Chopra.

When faced with uncertainty most of us fail to remember how adaptable we are as human beings. When I was young my family moved out of the home I had grown up in. I feared that I wouldn’t cope with the change. Within a week of being in our new home, however, I had almost forgotten what it was like to live in our old home.

In times of uncertainty it can help to remind yourself that it is likely you will deal with change more successfully than you give yourself credit for.

“The Law of Detachment” teaches that by embracing uncertainty and detaching from specific outcomes, you can begin to live a life that is driven by adventure and curiosity, and less by fear and insecurity. There are many paths that lead to your hopes and dreams and embracing uncertainty encourages you to be more flexible, accepting and adaptable to the surprising nature of life.

How could you embrace uncertainty in your life at the moment?

Jessica Stead xxx